Monday, November 19, 2007

Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise

It's had its downs but hell has this cycle had its ups!! Our seven dwarfs graduated to the Super Six on Sunday (Day 3) where we had one partially compacted morula and 2 x 8 cells and 2 x 7 cells and a 6 celler. Amazing. And then to top it all off we got to grow on to Day 5. Little anxious today but no need to be as we transfered a Grade 1 Blastocyst .... and get this ... 2 blastocysts for the freezer. I'm shocked. Absolutely shocked.

Then. Then weird things happened. I logged onto my email and received an email from my SIL....

that's great news about the embryos and the potential for future cycles! lots and lots of luck today with the embryo transfer. i really hope they get in there and grab on good. and like you said, there's more hope for future cycles, but hopefully this is the one that gets sid a younger cousin. think pregnant thoughts as you relax the rest of the day, letting your body do all the work.

Well bowl me over with a feather. I never.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Not so Tastic

Went to egg retrieval dutifully with husband. Apparently some people leave the husband alone. And these people go onto procreate. Sheesh. What an adventure it was, my egg pick-up! We were on the stand-by list for testicular biopsy. We (incorrectly) assumed that stand-by meant that there was something we were looking for on the day that would make the decision about the biopsy. You know, if the eggs looked antisocial, if the sperm looked a bit sad....

Nope. It was "stand-by" just because we were expected to make a decision there. On the spot. After they shoved a fentanyl drip in my hand and pushed in the good stuff. A great time to make a rational decision. They got 13 eggs. 12 mature. Who'd have thunk it?!?

Poor Mr B was trying to grapple with the decision on his lonesome whilst I told him "everything's great, woohoo, celebrate good times......snore!". In the end, ill prepared as we were, we went for the TESA thing. When they were taking Mr B away (well I went too) I kept feeling the urge to scream out "just let the poor man ejaculate" but stupidly I stayed silent. I just don't seem to want to upset the nice IVF people. So I sat and watched the nice people hack into my husbands apricots, pull out a little tube and suck the life out of them.

Our embryologist was the same poor lass that we had last time. She recognised us - probably cause I had a massive spac-attack last time! There are probably very logical reasons why I shouldn't have spac-attacks (I keep seeing these people ...). She quickly covered this up with "I always remember the good looking ones...." which just made me think it was IVF double speak for "I always remember the crazy ones".

Well, they ICSI'd all 13. The nurse phoned this morning, and this really gets my goat, she told us that they'd ICSI'd all 13. Then she said "What is your DOB so I can confirm that its you" (UM - YOU JUST TOLD ME YOU'D ICSI'D ALL 13 LADY....). They just plain suck at giving you bad news and do weird stuff in the meantime (like give you half the story and then CONFIRM YOUR IDENTITY) <-- a little bit of misdirected anger? Probably.

Anyway, 7 fertilised. 3 were degenerate. 3 were plain ol' lazy and did nothing. I freaked it as fert rates for ICSI should be between 80 - 100% (I know cause I regularly consult Dr Google). Then she tells me not to count the 3 degenrates and the immature so really its 7/9 - a much more respectable number. WTF? Her very calm, soothing voice kept saying...7's great, some women only get 3 (yes, maam but they get three happy eggs that blossom and bloom while my eggs huff and puff to cross the bloody finish line!). So the race begins ... I hereby name the eggs the "Seven Dwarfs" - may there be a lively and exciting race.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I Survived the Trigger

I'm getting a T-shirt made. After much drama, Mr B administered my trigger last night at 11pm. It's the countdown to egg retrieval. This is when it gets tough. The latest scans look ok I think, with about 10 big follies and a whole lot smaller who may be big enough on EPU tomorrow. My E2 levels are high but perfect. Things flip don't they.

Sometimes I think I'm in a bit of denial. I pretend like this isn't going to work so I'm not actually stressed by that. I don't feel anxious (or not nearly as much as my last cycle). I'm committing myself more intensely to adoption and divorcing myself from IVF. IVF feels like a friend who said something nasty to me and I'm pretending like they didn't knowing full well we're not really friends. Although a lot rides on this cycle - technically it could confirm that I have poor egg quality. That would be hard. I fully expect that to happen and for some reason I'm dissociated from the pain.

Thursday, November 8, 2007


Scan 1. Endometrium - 10 mm. Right Ovary - 25 follices, 5 follicles > 10mm. Left Ovary - 12 follicles, 3 follicles > 10mm. Good, bad, indifferent? Estrogen - normal and a not-too-shabby 2711. I almost fell out of my chair. It was 598 this time last cyle. Danger - hope re-emerging. Before I saw my uterus on television I was pretty convinced that nothing out of the usual was happening and that life was pretty normal. No babies for us. One snapshot of my insides and I just go to mush. I think the addictive nature of IVF is slowly being revealed. If they just wouldn't show me my gorgeous uterus and all my babies-in-waiting I think I could cope with this whole infertility thing. Follicles - they're just sooo damned cute.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

It's All Just Black Stuff Inside

Day 5 of FSH - nada. Felt a bit pukey on one occasion but that settled down. Keep pokin the ovaries - nada. First scan is in 2 days - who knows what's going on down there. E2 levels on Monday were perfect but low. Whatever. It actually takes too much energy to think about it at the moment so I'm just taking as it comes with a very resigned and probably pessimistic attitude.

I'm also getting a little superstitious. I work two part-time jobs and every time I'm at one job I get rotten news. Maybe its superstitious but I've decided not to go to work on Friday following the scan. Can't hurt - might help.

Feel really buggered at the moment. No energy or zest. Mr B misses the vim. I miss it too.

Saturday, November 3, 2007


We've taken the first step in the adoption process. Given the complete balls-up of our first cycle I'm really not optimistic about our second. Already, I've encountered the wonderful hell of double-speak with our favourite FN.

Fertility Nurse : Your estrogen levels are perfect and low.
Me : Low and perfect. Is that good?
Fertility Nurse : They're low.
Me : Right. Is that a good thing?
Fertility Nurse : Inserted prescriptive "there,'s all fine, don't fret" line.

Blood test tomorrow. I expect estrogen to be low. Not sure if its still perfect.

Anyway, adoption. An "Expression of Interest" is a really stupid way of putting it. I feel like Ive just put out a tender for a baby. That doesn't feel good. Anyway, we dutifully completed our "Expression of Interest". I can't imagine what I'll say to a child we do adopt who asks about the process... (...."Well love, we put in an Expression of Interest....and 5 years later you arrived"....).
....Really, I actually don't have any serious requirements or exclusionary criteria for an adopted child. We debated a little about cardiac conditions and then noted "if not life threatening, will accept". Mr B kept trying to correct all the grammatical errors in our application. He's hoping our good grammar covers up his age. He's now 39 - much too old for most adoption programs! I'm 29 and don't yet quality for China (joy).

I had no idea anyone was reading this blog by the way. I really don't have a clue how these things work :)

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Ohhh...Mass Emails

Dear Fertile Sister In Law,

Thank you for the wonderful mass email you've included me on to detail your new baby's progress. I feel so freaking delighted that you have produced a perfect specimen of a person. I am also so happy that you haven't let my infertility be a downer on your happiness and mention it or make any allowances for it. I would have hated for you to go to the trouble of writing a seperate, sensitive email just for me. That would simply be uncalled for.

It's so wonderful that you'll never have to feel the absolute terror at the thought of never having an opportunity to "naturally" have a baby. That you might never "unnaturally" have a baby. That babies may not figure in your life at all. It's also just grand that you don't realise that your email may have a devestating effect on my sanity. After all, I am just delighted with your baby news. Thanks for not-asking how I'm doing. It really touched me.

Infertily yours,
The Barren One (aka as your Stranger in Law)

Saturday, October 20, 2007


Well after a holiday to the Sunshine Coast (soon to be renamed Where Everyone has a Gorgeous Baby Coast) we've arrived home and I just picked up the Lucrin for our next cycle. I've doomed it to fail before it starts and then, snap, I'm convinced that this will be the one.

Monday, October 8, 2007

What to Hope For

Hope is a horrible thing sometimes. Certainty is safer. But hope....AF is 3 days late. Now I don't know whether to hope for AF so I can get started with the down reg cycle, test for pregnancy (I mean the odds of that are so low its ridiculous) or start freaking out about having an irregular cycle thrown into the mix.

Every cramp, every pee ... its bloody agony. I think..hmm, no blood (is that a good thing or a bad thing). Maybe I should just POAS and put myself out of my misery. It's a BFN for sure but at least then I know to start freaking out about AF not turning up (keep catastrophising and thinking it won't ever turn up again!)

Over and out...

Wednesday, October 3, 2007


I always seem to be waiting for something or checking for something at the moment. It's driving me batty. I'm so clued in to my body - each twinge means "something". No period today. Well its supposed to arrive in 2 days so I can hurry up and get started on the wonderful BCP. I'm not expecting it to be a success - I just think I want it started and over with asap. Maybe I should send my body a memo (Note : I'm in a hurry - you should be in a hurry too. Thanking you in advance).

Monday, October 1, 2007

ICSI - Take 2

After the disaster of ICSI Take 1 we're back for more. We really can't get enough. In the space of about six months we discovered that Mr B's boys are socially challenged (not a lot of them hanging out down there) and they look a bit weird. Add to that that their insides are fragmented and confused. We then discovered my eggs that are experienced beyond their years. Not really what we expected when we started to plan for getting pregnant.

ICSI Take 2 seems a lot like ICSI Take 1. De ja vu. Same protocol, same problems. Same outcome? Bring on the futility.